Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Quality Woman: What She Wants, What She Will Not Accept, and How to Win Her Heart

By Chantell Smith
February 14, 2005

With Valentines Day upon us and all is red, pink, chocolate, cupid doilies, dozens of roses, and those cute little candy hearts with corny phrases on them, I must admit that the air has a hint of melancholy for someone like me who is unattached. There’s also something about this time that leads to an increase in the times I get popped the question—no, not the question, but rather, “So, do you have a boyfriend now?” Grrrr. Yet instead of settling into a pity party and bewailing my state of current singlehood, I’d like to make you aware of a group of ladies whom I consider myself to be a member. Who are we? I call us quality women. And last time I heard, we were in high demand.

quality woman (kwôl'i t* woom' *n) n. A confident, mature woman who knows what she wants, will not settle for less, and puts a high price on her devotion: e.g., one who does not ask, “How high?” of just any guy who comes around and yells, “Jump!”

I’m a fifth year college undergrad facing graduation this coming May (Woo-hoo! Thank ya Jesus!). I look back and think of the sacrifice, the hard work, and the setting and meeting of goals, all while striving to live my life for God. I feel that I have grown not only intellectually, but also personally and spiritually. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and I desire someone who can appreciate what I have to give. I am not alone, many quality women feel the same way. The quality woman does not necessarily have a college degree; however, she is a very independent and motivated individual. She has a personal and consistent relationship with God, and since she is a child of God, she knows that He wants what is best for her—and that includes her future mate.

All too frequently women are willing to give in to guys who, quite frankly, don’t appreciate the caliber of a true quality woman and of what she has to offer. Though these men may have everything else right—they’re godly, they’re gentlemen, they’re sincere, they’re stable—many times, they seem to take our devotion (if they have it, that is) for granted. In the words of a fellow quality woman, “What is it with guys that they think all they have to do is show up and they’ll get the girl? And what is it with girls who let them get away with it?” A true quality woman stands her ground and allows guys to get away with it no more.

A Disclaimer of Sorts
I progress with a disclaimer: This should not be taken as a feminist diatribe or anything of the sort. I’m just relating my feelings and those of many other women I’ve been in touch with who have expressed common sentiments with me. We actually tend to be “old school” when it comes to men’s and women’s roles in relationships. I am going to be honest and lay it all out; if you are a woman reading along and can identify, any mental or even outspoken “amen’s” will only add to the quality woman atmosphere, and if you are a man, hang tight if you would like to know what a true quality woman is all about.

What She Wants
A true quality woman wants a man who still considers himself the initiator in a relationship. I know that these days with the overtones of feminism in our society a man may be a little mixed up when it comes to courting a woman. A true quality woman expects a man to be the initiator, the pursuer, and the one who initiates the major milestones in the relationship. Ever had a friend who had to basically drag her boyfriend down the aisle? A quality woman does not want to feel that she has to do that (and she is too much of a lady to really do that!). A common response that a quality woman wants to give to a man who does not understand this fact is: “Come on, man, do something!”

A true quality woman also wants someone who is up for the challenge of working for her devotion. She desires a man who understands that being the object of her sentiments is, to further quote the aforementioned fellow quality woman, “a privilege, not a right.” She wants someone who is willing to take the time to show her that she is worth the effort.

A quality woman also wants someone who is not intimidated by her and is willing to sacrifice a bit of pride. At times, it seems that many otherwise well-intentioned men, who are indeed taken by one of these quality ladies, are too prideful to admit such or to take an existing relationship they may have with a quality woman to a more serious level because perhaps somehow they don’t feel, for lack of a better term, “good enough.” Perhaps for some men the prospect of a confident, goal-oriented, educated woman is a little daunting. Nevertheless, she wants someone who is not put off by her self-assuredness, but is rather emboldened by it. She wants one who is willing to lay aside his fear of rejection, and has enough self-confidence of his own, to approach and to pursue her.

What She Will Not Accept
First and foremost, a true quality woman will not put up with a fence sitter. She prefers honesty, openness, and clear intentions from the start, because she has neither time nor emotional energy to waste. She will not put up with wishy-washiness and doublespeak (see George Orwell’s 1984 for its origins). She doesn’t appreciate someone who conveys one sentiment with his words, and then allows all of his actions to belie them. She doesn’t like it when those who say one thing give her signals indicating something else (or more). She would rather have a consistent man of his word. For instance, I have a friend who is good friends with a guy who claims to be romantically interested in her. He seems to be waiting for her to make up her mind that she’d like to date him and is wondering what is taking her so long. But, as my friend exclaimed to me (with quite a bit of frustration), “He doesn’t ask me out! He doesn’t make me a priority! He hasn’t convinced me that it would be worth an investment of my time and emotions to have a relationship with him! At the rate he’s going, he’s going to be waiting a long time.”

On the same note, she will not accept a man who doesn’t know what he wants. She understands that there may be issues and decisions that a man has to make in his life. She understands that there may be some things that a man is unsure about. Sure, there are things in her life that perhaps she is unsure about as well. But she does not want to be dragged in and made a part of that instability and indecision. For example, another one of my friends was getting frustrated with a man who made what she considered outright overtures to gain her attention. Though it was established from the beginning that the relationship was “just friends,” at times his behavior indicated that maybe he was interested in a “more than friendship.” She told me that when it seemed that things began to cross the invisible fine line of friendship over to “more than friendship,” he would backtrack and withdraw from her and the cycle would begin again. There was a hazy, undefined nature to the friendship, and as time went on, it began to bother her more and more. “I wanted to know what he really wanted from me. I didn’t want a commitment, I just wanted to clearly know where this was all going, what his intentions were,” she explained. In the end, she had to do some withdrawing of her own to show him that she wasn’t accepting of his back-and-forth behavior. All of this could have been avoided had her friend been clear and consistent from the get-go.

Neither does a quality woman appreciate a man who wants the benefits of enjoying her company but doesn’t particularly want the stickiness of a commitment. Another friend poignantly explained the heart of this particular problem. She said, “He doesn’t understand that the time that we spend together, the things that I share with him when we talk, everything, no matter how small or insignificant it may be, is to me like giving little pieces of myself away. Why would I want to give away pieces of myself to someone who doesn’t even have intentions of committing to me?”

Lastly, she will not put up with being taken for granted. Remember, a true quality woman places a high price on her devotion, but if it is taken as a given, then she may have a tendency to be that much more “hard to get.”

Winning Her Heart
Men, this feat can only be accomplished by a sincere quality man. Love God. Know what you want. Approach her confidently. Be a gentleman. Be honest and open about your intentions. Let her know that you value her experiences and who she is as a person. Allow her to see that you are privileged to receive her affection, not entitled to it. After all, the Bible suggests that quality women are in high demand, yet a rare find: “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is above rubies” (Proverbs 31:10).

© 2005, Chantell Smith


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